Wonder Why

           Have you ever wondered why bad things happen? Why a young child dies suddenly when they have so much life to live. Why a person suffers from cancer. Why a marriage never lasts. Why an accident can leave someone handicapped. Or why you had to have your right hand amputated at the age of 17?

                I have been strong for so longgg, two years to be exact. I have never let the loss bother me or effect who I am. I am still the same bubbly, happy, outgoing girl I was before this tragic life changing experience. As I look back at all that I have been through I can count on my one hand ;) how many times I’ve cried or been upset that my right hand is gone…. 3 maybe 4 times. That’s in a matter of 2 years! Crazy right?  Only a handful of times have I let this bother me.

        But lately I have been thinking to myself that it is ok to be sad, frustrated and upset and to wonder why this happened to me. You watch in movies i.e. Soul Surfer, the pain and suffering that Bethany Hamilton had experienced. During the hour and a half movie your eyes tear up as she struggles trying to hold her beloved surf board. You feel horrible that she was attacked by a shark and that she lost her arm at 13. But until you have personally experienced the loss of a limb you honestly have no idea how hard it really is.

       I hear all the time “Carley what an inspiration you are” “such an inspiring story, Carley” and I am grateful and thankful for those wonderful comments I truly am. But I just want you to know that it is HARD. What I have to do on a daily basis is easy for me now but that doesn’t mean it always was. Just think of the things you do every day that you use both hands. How about typing on a computer, what I am doing right now, I have to do it one handed. Everything in the world is not only made for two handed people but for RIGHT handed people. Ugh! Now does that make things even more frustrating! Ha. When I meet a new person I have to awkwardly shake with my left as they look at me like I am dumb then realize I have no right hand.

      But then again I stop and I think to myself… “Be thankful for the things you can do not the things you cant.” The list of things I cannot do is so tiny compared to what I can do. I could list the things right now that I absolutely cannot do… are you ready?

1.       Tie my shoes

2.       Put my hair in a ponytail

       Those  are honestly the only two things I have to have help at. So I solved that problem by chopping my hair off and umm yeah someone still ties my shoes ;) So I think to myself “why am I so saddened?” “what do you have to be upset about?” NOTHING! I have at least one hand, I have family and friends who love me, I go to an amazing university where I work with the women’s basketball team and therefore I get to be around the sport I love! I have food to eat and something to drink, and most importantly I have a relationship with my Savior! I could go on for days as to why I have nothing to be upset about. So as for YOU, try to let the little things in life go. Don’t let them bother you. Be grateful for what you have. If you think your life is terrible, look down and at least be thankful that you have two hands.

        So after two years of thoughts and painful memories I have realized that it is ok to be upset! This tragic thing as happened to me, yes it sucks! I wish it never happened. But I don’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Then I stop and think that if this never happened to me I wonder how different my life would be today.

Would I be where I am at? Would I have the friends I have? Random thoughts run through my mind thinking about how different my life would be if I still had my right hand.  I think about those and do I want my hand back? Absolutely!! But would I change the places I’ve been, the people I’ve met, or how far I have come? Not in a million years!

       So as I sit back I realized that it is okay to be frustrated at what happened but only once in a while. Being angry is not going to get me anywhere. That is why I have chosen to have a positive attitude in life. Nothing I can do or say is going to bring my hand back so I am not going to waste my time, but every once in a while it is okay to…. wonder why.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you but give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11